Something meaningful

Well, it’s certainly a strange time in history to be alive.

I suppose, aside from the ‘about me’ page and the inaugural ‘what the hell is a website’ post, this is the first time I’m writing something that will be published under my own name, as a part of my own project, on my own power. I feel very lucky that I’ve had the opportunity through the course of my life to learn a ton across a huge number of subjects, including computer science, writing, SEO, design. I’m excited to use those skills to make something that really represents me.

It’s gonna be slow going at first. This site is going to be a repository for my thoughts and feelings, project notes, portfolio pieces, events and news, and eventually the main base of operations for things like a shop or a support page like patreon. I’m basically only a couple of hours into any one skill I want to develop, so things like the design of this page, the art and assets used, the style and format of posts, and even the medium I use to tell stories will change over time.

Telling stories is something I do like breathing. There have been times in my life when my tendency to narrativize and oversimplify were out of control, caused me and others harm. The journey I’m on demands that I confront things about myself that I don’t like, that have been stigmatized, or that have harmed others. The beauty of growth is in turning weakness into strength– I have grown, and I value the part of me that seeks meaning and beauty in the world and in others. The journey of my life has been the journey of a creator, an artist, a storyteller, a wanderer. I want to bring that light of belonging and the wisdom of my travels to the people I meet.

Making things isn’t always about money, or fame, or even sharing with others. The product of any life is stuff. What stuff we choose to leave behind matters, and I’ve been through enough to finally realize that what I want to leave behind is a signpost for people like me. A marker, a story in stone that says “I was here. I made it. It was hard, but it was worth it. You can make it too.” Even if one person sees it, even if no one sees it, it was there. I was here.

I’ve thought a lot about the times we live in lately. It’s no secret that the country I was born in has changed. They’re opening the camps. They’re starting to talk about taking citizens, they’ve already been taking innocents. There’s some chance, if things change, that people like me won’t make it, or if we do, that we will have to flee, fight, that everything might change in an instant. The world the wealthy have made for us is full of contradictions– here we are, living in the land of the free.

It’s hard to want anything now. It’s hard to do anything now. I’ve been off my primary job for ~6 months now, still employed but barely. Applying seems like a farce, like it would only serve to batter me further. I’ve been 20 different things at 15 different places in my career, and like a lot of things, it feels like I’ve been uniquely chosen to suffer job trauma of one species or another at nearly every stop along the way.

I’m still confident. I’m still excited. I still have lots I want to do, so many ideas I want to actualize. Finding a voice, finding the courage to stand up and say “I am an artist”… that discovery has changed my life. Things I felt shame over, things I hid and pretended I didn’t care about, things I was told would never matter, never be good enough at, never make it if I tried. It’s all come crashing into me. Gus will tell you, I’ve been as volatile emotionally as I can remember ever being- and it’s mostly because I’m so damn energized by ART.

So in the end, I had to start somewhere. I’m good at putting one foot in front of the other, I can keep my feet and keep my head. I finally found a road I enjoy traveling down, all I need is some supplies, some support, and some community. I’m gonna try blasting out some posts off the cuff like this, no edits, raw brain. If you want to let me know you found the site, hit me up on BlueSky! My email is always open for communications as well.

Making things isn’t necessarily about showing them to people, but in my experience, making things always seems to go better when you have good friends to help you along the way, and share in the creation with. I hope you’ll join me on the quest for great stories!

-Andy